How to tell when a video game company knows absolutely nothing about video games

Not every idea is a good one. Furbies, the Resident Evil movie series, and Snooki are all prime examples of this. Unfortunately, the video game industry is just as susceptible to terrible ideas as everything else; I mean, look at Superman 64. What the hell was that? 

This past Tuesday was the release of new game NBA Baller Beats from Majesco Games; a Kinect exclusive that is half music game, half sports game, and one giant disaster waiting to happen. The basic concept of the game is to dribble a basketball (bundled with the game) to the beat of various songs, which I assume is supposed to help with control of the ball as well as…keeping time to music, I suspect.

Right from the beginning, there are a few things that make me tilt my head to the side and narrow my eyes with suspicion that Majesco has no idea what they are doing. The first is this: what mother has ever let their child dribble a basketball, or soccer ball, or any kind of sport accessory inside the house? What makes Majesco Games think that coming out with a game for the Kinect where a basketball is required is going to change the minds of all those mothers? Bouncing a basketball inside + angry mother = frowney face.

I also can’t help but wonder if anyone at Majesco has kids. I don’t have kids, but I have worked with them, and I have a brain that works well enough to know that kids are the clumsiest creatures to ever fart around planet Earth, ever. Giving a child a bouncy object near breakable objects such as…oh I don’t know…a flatscreen TV, maybe? Or a glass coffee table? Bouncy object + clumsy child = frowney face and a lot of broken things.

This is easily the best picture of an angry mother I could find.

To build off this, a large percentage of residential houses have some sort of carpet type stuff stapled to their floor for either aesthetic or comfort purposes. My friend Janio (Twitter here) pointed out the difficulty of dribbling a basketball on carpet. I know I have, you probably have too, and we all know that it results in failure. Basketball + carpet = frowney face.

Even MORE from this pile of seemingly unending fail, is probably the most important point of all: the danger of ring scratches. For those of you who don’t own a 360, a ring scratch happens when you move the system while a game is in it. If you don’t live near a business that has a professional resurfacing machine, your game is pretty much screwed. Now why in the world would a company make a game where most of it depends on you bouncing an object off the floor, with the potential to hobble your 360 around, in turn possibly ruining the game? Moving a 360 + disc inside = frowney face.

Cue ring scratch in 3…2…1…

Ladies and germs, from the data we have collected, it is easy to see that NBA Baller Beats ends in nothing but a load of frowney faces. I’m not sure what is more disturbing: the fact that so little logical thought was put into this game, or that it was actually approved to be made at all. Clearly they will let anyone off the street made a video game, regardless of their knowledge thereof, and this must be the most depressing fact of all to me.


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About Janessa Olson

I like dogs, cake, archaeology, and preparing for the imminent robot uprising.

2 responses to “How to tell when a video game company knows absolutely nothing about video games”

  1. giantsbane says :

    If nothing else I got a smile when I imagined test team reactions to the game. Tester awkwardly raises hand, with a look of bewilderment on his face, and inquires “How does one dribble?”

  2. Ian MacKinnon says :

    You didn’t even mention the fail of apartment dwellers, cause we all know bouncing a large bouncy object while on the 2nd floor of a apartment at 10 at night makes neighbors rather mad. :X

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