How the potential future of console gaming will probably drive me into the arms of a PC

Gather ‘round, children, for I am about to tell you a deep, dark secret many have never heard before. I used to be a PC gamer.

I quit because of the lame reason that I didn’t understand computers for beans (still don’t, not gonna lie), and I didn’t want to expend the energy to learn about them. Me describing computer problems to a computer-savvy friend was a tedious and painful process; usually along the lines of:

Me: “Hey computer-savvy friend, my laptop is doing funny things.”

Computer-savvy friend (CSF): “What’s it doing?”

Me: “Well, it does this thing where it makes this noise, and it goes, ‘wee-woo wee-woo’, and then the mouse starts doing this thing where it’s all, zoink zoink zoink! And I’m like, “I JUST WANT TO CHECK ON MY NEOPETS, YOU ASSHOLE!” Then I hit the keyboard a few times because the pain will make it work faster, but my computer just says something about the battery leaking. Do you know how to fix it?”

CSF: “I am just going to take your computer away from you.”

I continued to not frolic in the land of PC gaming, because consoles are awesome with countless awesome games that are just puking awesomeness all over the place. However, once I caught wind to the potential atrociousness that could be the future of console gaming, I realized that, the awesomeness that once was could very likely be drawing to a close, as soon as this holiday (if it’s true that the new Xbox has already gone into production).

With the rumors of Xbox’s “Durango” (Dumbest name ever. May I just ask, what the crap were you thinking, Microsoft? “We want our consumers to perceive the newest console as a powerful and desirable machine, so let’s name it after an oddly shaped SUV and some place in Mexico.” Sometimes I feel like you don’t understand the meaning of “effective marketing”.) and the new Playstation with an only slightly better codename, “Orbis” (We’ll talk about your sad attempt at being clever at a later time, Sony), both systems are rumored to be designed so that they can only play newly purchased games; an attempt to phase out the used game industry… bad news for stores like GameStop.

The whole idea of eliminating the option of used gaming entirely leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ll admit, I do buy used games, but I try my best to buy games new from studios who I would sell my soul to (Bethesda, Rockstar, Valve, and BioWare come to mind), but honestly, I’m a college student. I don’t have the income to consistently buy new games at almost $70 a pop, and in today’s economy, I don’t know many people who would, college student or otherwise. Screw that.

And if I do have to pay a buttload of money for a new video game, I want the most out of it that I can get, which leads me to my next reason, and this is very important:


Holy shark farts am I jelly of my PC gaming friends and their sweet mods. When Skyrim came out, a rare occasion happened where I detached from my PS3 controller to explore out into the open world, where I interacted with a coworker, who was a recent console to PC convert. He proceeded to tell me about how he got a sweet new ride in Skyrim.

“Yo, check it out. I’m riding around on an elk.”

“That isn’t really cool,” I responded. “but I am still jealous, because you have that and I don’t.”

“You can also get a spider, a mammoth, and a dragon.”

The Dragonborn’s Little Pony <3

I immediately requested that he shut the front door, for I was taken aback. “Dragon, you say? I want.” I imagined riding around on my majestic dragon mount, burninating the countryside, burninating all the peasants.

“No can haz,” He replied, “for you own a console.”

I proceeded to punch the air in anger. When I went home, I glared at my PS3. “It only does NOTHING THAT I WANT IT TO.” I would shout at Kevin Butler.

3rd reason, also the reason a lot of people probably won’t even notice this article:

You know that scene in The Emperor’s New Groove where Kuzco is sitting in the middle of a rainforest during a storm, and he’s covered in mud and just having the worst time of his life?


I’m like a little kid who doesn’t get to play in the pool with their friends because I just ate a hot dog and now I have to wait so I don’t anger the pool gods or whatever reason it is you shouldn’t swim right after eating. My coworkers come into work, dark circles under their eyes, slightly zombified, but telling tales of the incredible nirvana that is Diablo 3. My friend Jayson disappeared for three days when Diablo 3 came out. The only reason we didn’t notify the police was because we knew where he was…in front of his computer. I WANT THAT. I want to play in the Diablo 3 pool!

Unfortunately, due to lack of funds, PC gaming is not in the very near future for me. Fortunately, I am rich with friends who can help me build a PC worthy of gaming when the funds do magically appear to me. Until then, I will continue to break into Janio’s apartment to play Diablo 3 when he’s not around. Nobody tell Janio.

Tl;dr- PC gaming is looking pretty damn sexy.  


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About Janessa Olson

I like dogs, cake, archaeology, and preparing for the imminent robot uprising.

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